Shonda Rhimes had her Year of Yes. A.J. Jacobs had his Year of Living Biblically. At the end of 2020, and feeling rather... 2020ed, I decided that 2021 was going to be my Secret Year of F You (euphemism for the delicate among us).

I sense some pearl-clutching. Stay with me.

The keyword is secret. I never actually SAID the phrase to anyone. It was silent self-fortification, a tough-love reminder to unapologetically stand my ground even when someone else won’t like it. Even when that someone is me.

See, I'm a worrier. And I have a high level of imposter syndrome. So when I imagine, for example, speaking to a prospective client about my rates, this is the conversation that happens in my head.

Imaginary Me: My rate for this project is $X.

Imaginary Client: $X?! How dare you?! That is offensive! Who do you think you are?!?!

Imaginary Me BEFORE secret theme phrase: I'm sorry! You’re right! What do you want to pay me? Please still want to work with me!

Playing this conversation in my head, I tended to lowball my rates for fear I would "offend" a prospective client.

But...

Imaginary ME AFTER secret theme phrase: You’re offended by my rate? F you. You can’t afford me, say so, but I have every right to charge what I charge. I’m worth it.

My resolve steeled, I would set my rates more appropriately. Then, here's how the actual conversation usually went.

Me: My rate is $X.
Client: That's above our budget.
Me: I'm happy to discuss adjusting the scope to fit with your budget. What are you thinking? Let's see if I can work with that.

Indeed, prospective clients rarely expressed irritation or offense at my rates (and certainly not to the extreme degree I’d pictured!). Imagining that was the good old imposter syndrome at work. But even when they said, “that’s outside our budget” or “that’s higher than I was expecting,” I learned not to apologize or backpedal. I’m always happy to try to find a meeting of the minds, but now that means we each give a little. Before, my mindset was more: “Oh no! Bend over backwards to get this client! Offer my basement floor minimum and be willing to go even lower!”

But, you may ask, why the choice word, even silently? Why not say "No, sir" or "shut up" or "Bless your heart" in my head? It's because sometimes you need that uncompromising slap-in-your-own-face harshness to remind you to not fold like a cheap lawn chair. You need to be able to reach your inner tough, take-no-prisoners badass bitch, and unleash her (or him/them) on … yourself. There's just no negotiating with – no euphemism – "fuck you." Then when it’s time to actually negotiate with another person, it’s in an "I move, you move" kind of way, not in an "I’m sorry, I'll give in" way.

Or, let's imagine a conversation between what we'll call my Inner Worrier and my Inner Warrior.

Worrier: Oh no, will Prospective Client be offended by my quarterly/semi-annual follow-ups? Will they think I'm too pushy?

Warrior: If you're put off by a check-in email 2-4 times a year, f___ you. If you want me to stop, say so, don't just hope I'll go away, you weenie.

Inner Warrior doesn't suffer fools. Inner Worrier wastes a lot of my time.

But more often than not, the secret "eff you" was more self-directed.

Struggling to hold that yoga pose? Duck you, discomfort, I can overcome you. Drowning in panic and self-doubt? F you, anxiety, I am stronger than you (or at least I'm doing a lot of therapy and deep breathing). Losing my …. shiitake mushrooms at the child/spouse when they don’t really deserve it? Felix Unger, bad temper, I am learning patience and mindfulness.

Now, did this exercise always have its desired effect? Of course not. I didn’t always have the fortitude to say no, or keep my calm, or hold my ground (or hold that warrior two pose), but it reminded me – and I remind you: A, to not always sweat what other people think so much; B, to ask for what you want; and C, we are stronger than we think we are. And as a result, I made some meaningful strides in both my personal and my business life, including turning down prospective bad clients rather than working from a fear-based scarcity mindset, and increasing my year-over-year income by nearly 70 percent. Anyway, I recommend this tactic.

I'm going to continue silently applying my no-longer-secret phrase moving forward, but I think I've internalized the practice enough that I can choose a new central theme for 2022, maybe even a not-secret one. I'm working on what that might be. Stay tuned.

I started writing this post in October, 2019. My daughter was 13 months old at the time. It is now July 2020. She is 22 months. A lot has happened in the last 10 months. You know.

Now that my daughter is practically a toddler, I am clearly an expert on all things babies and parenting, and am thoroughly qualified to tell other parents what to do.

Yeah, no, not at all. (And unless you’re a pediatrician or a child psychologist, neither are you). But I’ve been freelancing-with-baby since she was four months old, and I’ve found some tactics that work* for me, so I thought I’d share them. Of course, it’s all a crap shoot**, like many aspects of parenting. It’s one tiny advantage I feel I’ve had during quarantine life — I’m actually accustomed to simultaneous working and parenting. Or, as accustomed as one can be with a creature whose mobility, mood, tolerance levels, and communication abilities evolve one day to the next.

* “work” = roughly 79 percent of the way, 61 percent of the time
** diaper pun intended

Determine Priorities — I’ve made a decision to not employ outside childcare — which would take up most of my income — at this point, wanting to maximize time with my daughter. This means I spend less time on work than I would if I used a nanny or daycare. It’s essential to me that my clients can trust me and my work, so I am judicious about choosing which projects I pursue and accept. I spend limited time on marketing and business growth efforts. While I enjoy learning from resources like Jennifer Goforth Gregory’s Freelance Content Marketing Writer Facebook group, to name one, much of what I learn is either bookmarked for later or applied in small quantities, such as sending fewer letters of introduction. I acknowledge the privilege of being able to do this without creating an insurmountable financial hardship, and of having my husband’s full emotional support.

Create a Routine But Allow for Flexibility — We have a schedule — mealtimes, naptimes, bottles — and as long as things get done within about 30 minutes of the intended time, I don’t sweat it. Sure, lunch is supposed to be at noon, but if I get caught up with work and we don’t eat until 12:30, that’s okay. The baby is supposed to nap from 1 to 3 every day, but sometimes she just won’t sleep unless I’m holding her, or she’s in her stroller. Which leads to ….

Find One-Handed Resources — All this means is find ways to be productive away from the computer. I’ve embraced work-related podcasts, like Melanie Padgett Powers’ Deliberate Freelancer and Ed Gandia’s High Income Business Writing. I listen while pushing a stroller around the neighborhood, while breastfeeding, while cooking (is it just me or is pandemic life an endless cycle of cooking and dishes?). I use the voice-to-text function to reply to emails (just make sure you look and correct mistakes before sending!), update my schedule, or make brainstorming notes. My daughter can be a bit of a Velcro baby sometimes, and I’ve conducted plenty of calls with her on my lap, on my hip, wrapped around my leg, or asleep across my chest. Indeed, lying on the sofa with a baby on top of me is a lovely time to catch up on my Twitter feed. As a parent and a freelance business owner, multitasking is a frequent necessity.

Have Dedicated Baby Time — I have times throughout the day that are just for me and her, no work. I put my phone down, crank up the Raffi (don’t come at me with your Baby Shark) or the Tchaikovsky (she’s a bit obsessed with ballet and insists on parading around in a tutu most days), and build block stacks or play with her favorite puzzle. Or we dance to Dolly, or sit in the rocking chair and read. Sandra Boynton is a big hit in my house. She needs to know that there are swaths of time throughout the day when it’s just her and me.

Set Boundaries — With my clients, with myself, with my child. I don’t take calls right before nap time, because that’s her time. At one point, I established a “no devices at the table” rule, though I admit my husband and I have both been failing pretty miserably at. We really must recommit to that goal. For my daughter, I have both a physical boundary — a North States play yard — though she’s admittedly become less tolerant of that as she’s gotten older, and intangible boundaries. She hears a lot of “wait.” Sure, there have been plenty of screaming meltdowns while I try to finish an email — but I firmly believe that learning to have some patience, understanding that sometimes I have something else to finish before responding to her (non-emergency) needs, and being able to contend with boredom are important skills for her to develop. I found the book “Bringing Up Bébé” to be encouraging and practical on this matter.

Share the Load — How much have we read about mothers’ emotional labor, and how much moms’ careers have been disrupted by the pandemic? I am definitely feeling that. Since my husband is now working from home as well, one small thing he does to support me in my work is that he occasionally (i.e. whenever I ask) will lunch alone with our daughter on Thursdays so I can take part in my favorite Twitter chat, #FreelanceChat. Some weeks, however, I catch up later that afternoon, or the next day.

Get Creative — It’s hard, I won’t lie. I’ve had some success with a timer — letting her hear the dinging sound, and telling her she has to play on her own until she hears the sound again — and with what one might call passive interaction, e.g. conducting work while telling her to bring me three blue items. Some days, I manage to convince her that putting away laundry is a game.

Lower Your Standards — Hopefully, if we’ve learned anything from this COVID shitstorm, which is the technical term for the circumstances we’re living in, it’s that we’re all just getting by. You need to be able to give yourself a break from your own judgment. For me, as a parent, that’s meant loosening the reins a bit on screen time, e.g. with nature documentaries or the oft-demanded ballet videos. Also, and I cannot stress this enough, your kid does not have to like you all the time. Mine isn’t a huge fan of me when I tell her she can’t play with a new puzzle until she puts her crayons away. As a freelancer, it means sending out fewer queries or follow-ups each day so I don’t burn out. It’s hard to feel like I’m not “giving it my all,” but we have no idea how long we’re in this for, so pace yourself.

All right, if you’ve reached this point, God love you. Hang in there, and tweet at me if you want to vent about freelance parent life, @redpentweeting. I gotta go feed my kid again.